I'm Moving

I've decided to update my blog which means i have to move to a different page. I will still be on blogger just in their newer format. All of my posts starting mid feb are on there. Anything earlier can be found here.

You can visit me here

Day 23: Satisfaction

When i first was thinking about leaving my 9 to 5 admin job, I really was concerned with what i would do with my time. I know me and i do MUCH better with structure. To give me open ended days with no outside structure was super intimidating. On top of that, i had to be self motivating. That isn't always my strong suit either. If given the opportunity, I'd let people come to me every time. I also wasn't 100% confident that photography was what i wanted to do. I felt my skills were extremely limited and in NYC, I knew i was well below the competition. I wasn't sure i had it in me to be the person i would need to be to earn an income.

I guess knowing this about me, I started out with making plans and goals for myself. I also gave myself permission to ease into this. I spent my first few weeks doing more baby sitting then shooting but that in itself motivated me more. It created a little more structure for myself. It also allowed me to get to know a few people more then i would have otherwise.

This last week, I got the opportunity to take maternity shots for one of my close friends which also allowed me to learn photoshop on a much deeper level. I have had so much fun editing photos. I find myself getting lost in one photo. The attention to detail that you need to have to do it is amazing and a tad overwhelming but i am learning lots of patience because of it. I am learning to slow and down and focus.

Because of my new lifestyle and career goals, it is opening me up to do more for myself and especially for other people. I can help friends move, watch friends' children, volunteer at local bookstores, make my roommate dinner (early), bake bread, write blog posts, research for a novel, run without hindrances, wear PJs all day, not wear make up for 3 days, and so much more. Now many of these don't pay the bills but they go beyond that. To hear the gratitude in peoples voices, to see faces light up, the pounds drop off, to grow closer to the Lord, that's all the payment in the world.

The last three weeks have done wonders for my heart and for my confidence. I feel more settled and ready for whatever God has in store for me. I feel far less anxious about what i am doing, who i am and where i am going. There is a point when you take such big steps of faith that you have to resign yourself to God's plan. You can't look back or waver. If you allow doubt to get in, its debilitating and soul sucking. I knew that doubt could be my ruler so i prepared my first few steps to be centered on spending time with the Lord and really securing my hope in him and not in success. Those were key in getting me through these first few weeks.

I don't know where this road is going to take me. I am not sure what i will be doing in 2 months. But i know that for right now, i am basking the grace of God, watching him transform my life and the people around me. I get the privilege of seeing people's needs get met and know that on some level I might have helped.

Day 21: Educating me!

I had every intention of writing more often but the discipline hasn't quite caught up to me yet. That's not to say i haven't been busy. I have been. Just with other things. I think, for me, I always felt like if i didn't have something profound to say then I just didn't say it. So i haven't but I also haven't oiled the joints much so even finding the motivation to write has been a little tough.

Over the last two weeks, i have spent most of my time watching two adorable little boys, setting up my website (www.kimmcilrathphotography.com) or shooting and editing pictures. I've learned a lot in the last 2 weeks. I've learned that working from home isn't as torturous as i thought, except when its 100 degrees outside. I've also learned that I can actually set up and shoot for inside jobs as well as edit my own work with photoshop. Thanks to the Internet and google, I have spent a lot of time researching and exploring. I've learned I really do like being artistic. I truly enjoy my time and find myself at the end of the day wondering where my time went (in a good way). I am actually 100 times more productive. I am also learning that I actually like myself. I am not as insecure about being alone with myself and really creating. Now that doesn't mean I think I am amazing at my craft... yet, but I think I actually may have an iota of talent.... God has been super faithful to me in the time I have had the last few weeks to really see what's important and to really reach for my dreams.

I spent this weekend shooting some friends of mine who are 9 months pregnant with a little boy. I had such a great time shooting them. Their support and love for me has been one of the key components to me taking this giant step. This was my first time shooting maternity and I really did love it! I have also loved learning how to retouch photos. Its such a cool and creative process and depending on the clients openness, you can do so much. I have felt almost guilty this week enjoying myself so much!

The reality that I need probably 10 more of these clients a month to really make a living has been a little daunting but i am trying to enjoy my time for now and pray that it all works out in the end.

Day 4: Focus Focus Focus

I have always been the type of person who is either over committed or unmotivated. Never in between. When I decided to leave my 9 to 5 job to pursue my artistic passions I was worried that I would go from totally over committed and over worked to completely unfocused. It’s been somewhat true. Focus and motivation have been a struggle to say the least. I had a few things I needed to get figured out before I could make progress on anything. I needed to get organized mentally and physically. I also needed to set up the practical items in order to start my business. Things like my website, photo packages, and other projects. This process can't happen over night and somehow I overlooked that fact.

I am learning that I am a little impatient. I want to be able to sit down and figure things out in 1 hour or less. Taking hours, days or weeks to put something together was not in my plan. But realistically it has to be, doesn't it? I can't set up a business over night. It takes time and focus. My only problem with time is that it doesn't put food on the table or pay the rent.

I am also learning that I am a results driven person. I feel like I haven't done anything when I can't see fruits of my labor. Research doesn't bring results right away. It takes time. I spent the entire day researching ways to set up my website. I am a little more educated, but I am not much further along then when I started the day. I think somewhere in the back of my head I thought that I would almost have the website set up. Not realistic is it? Now when I look back on my day, I tend to think it was a waste. Letting myself off the hook is something I will have to do. I can't create a business in a day. And likely it can't be done in a week.

Doubts have been creeping in over the last few days. What did I do? Why did I do it? Was it premature? Are you sure you want to spend your days doing this, pursuing this? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? I spent some time with the Lord this morning. In that time I remembered one thing I needed to get out of this time of discovery. I wanted to draw closer to Him. I wanted to pursue his heart. Even if it meant I was poor and unfed. I think that is more my goal than anything else. I don't know what all of this is going to look like in the long run. Will I be a photographer? Will I be a writer? Will I go back to the admin world? Will I be a creator? I don't know! And in some ways, I am not all that worried about what things will look like as long as I am drawing on the strength of the Lord to order my steps. As long as I am falling more and more in love with Him as my father, my creator, my Lord, I don't care what tomorrow looks like. Being content in how he has created me is more important than having any other label. Resting in that knowledge is the only thing that will get me through another day. If I put my faith in my abilities and in my expectations for my career then I will never get very far.

Day 1: I think God's trying to tell me something

Today is Day 1 of my new adventure. Two months ago when I finally decided to take the plunge, I came to the decision through lots of prayer and encouragement from friends and my church family. When I finally let go of the fear, it seemed to be an easy decision in many respects but I haven't lacked days of doubt. Some days the fear and doubt were overwhelming. I never doubted the decision to leave but i definitely doubted my abilities to finally pursue my dreams.

Throughout the last few weeks, I have been encouraged by peoples comments and their amazement at the step of faith I had taken. On a good day, I took it for what it was worth and smiled at the testimony i might be to others. On a bad day, I cowered behind my insecurities afraid to take a step. The last 2 days have been more downs then up as the reality set in. I was really doing this. I couldn't turn back. The pressure to succeed and to succeed quickly was weighing down.

Last night a few of my girl friends came over to celebrate this HUGE step of faith. Their excitement was a beautiful thing to see but deep down, I was shaking with fear. "What will you do tomorrow?" "Are you super excited?" were some of the constant questions I got throughout the day. But I found myself unprepared, unsettled.

BUT Day 1 came and to my surprise it wasn't heavy. It wasn't full of expectations. It wasn't scary. It was just another day. God was so faithful today to remind me of where he has lead me. I would never have made this decision if He hadn't been in the center. I could never have taken a step if i wasn't positive he was the one guiding me. So this morning, being faithful to the desire to make this new adventure just as much about my relationship with Him as it was about my dreams, I took the time to focus on Him first.

I have been using an online devotional to guide my time with God lately and most days are pretty on target with where i am but today was even more so. The title being, "Should I Quit?". My first thought was "Seriously?" but that this wasn't going to be what it seemed and would be a totally different direction then i was going. I was wrong. The devotional was completely geared around taking those God prompted steps, even if they are scary and HUGE.

"What if David had assessed whether or not to face Goliath based on the shadow of his opponent rather than the shadow of the Almighty? (1 Samuel 17)" Stories like this and verses like Matthew 11:28: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." were all reminders that God had called me here and although i don't have it all figured out, i am pursuing HIS heart and HIS direction. I simply need to trust in his voice. Seeking reassurance over resting in God's promises and love was what i had been pursuing. Reassurance will come in those times if first i am seeking His heart. God isn't a God of "one chance only"s He's a God of redemption, a God of Love. He wants the best possible life for me even if it means stretching, growing, mistakes and failure.

After reading the devotional, i decided to listen to some music to keep me from turning on the TV and the first song held these lyrics. "Seconds, hours, so many days, You know what you want but how long can you wait?....And what if my chances were already gone? Started believing that I could be wrong. But you give me one good reason.To fight and never walk away. With every step you climb another mountain. Every breath it's harder to believe. You make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes. To get to that one thing. Just when you think the road is going nowhere. Just when you almost gave up on your dreams. They take you by the hand and show you that you can. There are no boundaries!"

Today is a day of New Beginnings. Tomorrow may bring some fear and even some failures but today I am choosing to focus on the call Jesus made on my life. My knees may get scraped and little bruised but those wounds will heal as I am following the true healer, the true Leader.

Power of His Name

Lately a few songs have spurred me to think about the power behind the name of the Lord. Scripture is full of examples of just great and awesome the Name of the Lord is.

Jeremiah 6:10- No one is like you, LORD; you are great, and your name is mighty in power
Micah 5:4 - He will stand and shepherd his flock n the strength of the LORD, in the majesty of the name of the LORD his God. And they will live securely, for then his greatness will reach to the ends of the earth.
Psalm 8:1,9 - LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!
Psalm 102:15 - The nations will fear the name of the LORD, all the kings of the earth will revere your glory.
Psalm 111:9 - He provided redemption for his people; he ordained his covenant forever— holy and awesome is his name.
Proverbs 18:10 - The name of the LORD is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.
Isaiah 47:4 - Our Redeemer—the LORD Almighty is his name—is the Holy One of Israel.

I have been struggling with just how Great it is. Now when i say struggle, i don't mean that i disagree with the power that is behind his name. I just struggle with really grasping at how great, how wonderful, how precious, how strong, is the name of the Lord. It has the power to weaken nations, crush enemies, move mountains. It has the power to heal the sick, make the lame to walk, raise from the dead. It has the power to love the unlovable.

How is it that His name doesn't daily bring me to my knees in total reverence and obedience? How is it that, daily, i continue to do my own thing, seek my own will, follow my own dreams? How can i possibly look at what's going on around me and not see the Lord working in a powerful and mighty way? Its beyond my understanding how i cannot be so humbled that i am immobile. But still, i am seemingly unmoved by the greatness that is His name.

A worship song or two lately has really pointed me towards craving and longing for the name of Jesus, to find the power that is in his name. I hear these songs and i am reminded of how Great His name is. How comforting the song of his name on my tongue can be. Just hearing his name being said brings joy, hope, comfort, peace.

Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man
You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name. Natalie Grant, Your Great Name

Caught up, caught up with You my Jesus
Caught up caught up with You forever
In love in love with You my Jesus
In love in love with You forever Meredith Andrews, All Will Fade Away.

Toys! Toys! Toys!

I was and still am that kid who once she knows there are toys under the tree, she must unwrap them. As a child, i was the one who went hunting for the stash before holidays and even before birthdays. Trying to find where they could have been hidden. I remember one year i even admitted to my adult neighbor that i had found where they were hiding this years Christmas presents. Now that wasn't the brightest of ideas. That's how impatient i am when it comes to gifts!!!

My birthday is coming up and i already have a gift sitting in my chair waiting for me to rip into it. Another gift i have waiting for me is from the US Govt. My tax return has finally come in and just in time for me to buy the one thing i have wanted for ages. The Canon 60D. Its now probably not as top of the line as it was 6 months ago but its in my refund budget so that's all that matters.

I had this goal to wait until my birthday to get the camera. I am not sure why i wanted to wait. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that the refund wasn't due until Feb. 25th (my birthday) so it made sense to wait till then. But now its here. Waiting, taunting me. But if i were to get the camera now, i would be so distracted wanting nothing more then to play with it. My post a picture a day thing would finally be a more achievable goal. Why? not because i don't currently have a decent camera, but because i would have a new toy to play with which would force me to get out and shoot. See, as i write, i am talking myself into getting it at this moment. Patience hasn't always been something i have been good at.

So hopefully soon, you will start seeing more picture posts!

Upside Down

You come at me upside down
We're twisted, angry, unrecognizable.
I try to shake free of this wicked world.
Desperate for hope, change
But you come at me upside down.

Weary from these dessert travels
40 days, 40 years, 40 lifetimes of wondering
North Star, any star, looking to set my pathways straight
Wondering what could i have been
Still you are upside down

Redemption seems foreign
A life left to roam
Mountains unable to climb
Afraid i'll never make it back home
i wonder just who is upside down

Peace, comfort, hope
No longer sure of what they mean
Looking at you
I guess life's not always what it seems
When will i not feel upside down

I've fought you for so long.
Trying now to make up for lost time.
But you say come as you are
I no longer have a desire to hide
So I come to you upside down





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I know its not a picture, and its not how i normally write (in public) but i found myself being bound to a certain expectation i had made for myself and i don't want to stick with that expectation anymore. As stated in many earlier posts, i am truly afriad of baring myself through my writing, but i am starting to see that though the beauty is in the eye of the beholder, i also need to trust in the voice i might have whether someone likes it or dislikes it.

Day 12

photo: Snow in Central Park
Date: Jan 29, 2011
F 6.3
SS: 1250
FL 41
Shot with Canon EOS Rebel XT DSLR




I haven't been really good with shooting lately. I have, on some days, more to write about then i do images. I've had a lot to write about lately but haven't had the pictures to back them up.

Day 11: The Day After

Photo: Bryant Park, the morning after
Date: Jan 27, 2011
F: 8
SS: 1250
FL: 18
Shot with: Canon EOS DSLR Rebel XT

Day 10: Before the Storm

Photo: The night before our 19inch snow
Date: Jan 27, 2011
F: 1.4
SS: 160
FL: 50
Shot with: Canon EOS DSLR Rebel XT

Day 9: Focus Issues

Photo: Bryant Park Fountain
Date: January 26, 2011
F 4
SS 8
FL 25mm
Shot with: Canon Rebel XL DSLR

I have a little bit of a focus issue with my new lense. Its a 50mm fixed lens which is a little bit of a zoom lens. Most of our standard lenses are 18-35mm minimum lens. Its also a F1.4-F22 aperture range so i can get some great Depth of field shots in the right light. Most DSLR cameras have a setting on the camera for those of us who wear classes to adjust the vision in the view finder. It can be difficult shooting with your glasses on so there is dial that allows you to set your viewing to your eye.

With a 1.4/50mm lens, your area of focus is very small... So if you were up close on an object, like the coffee & phones image on Day 8, the camera would pick one small area to focus on, maybe a centimeter to an inch of the entire field of view. It often takes a while to get the focus where you want it. When you add bad vision to the mix, your focus with the camera can take a little work. What looks in focus to you, might not be in focus to the rest of the world, especially to your camera. The above picture wasn't shot with my 50mm lens but the same problem arose. What i thought i was focused on, wasn't. I was attempting to focus on the fountain but my focus is actually on the background which makes my desired object just slightly out of focus. You actually might not even be able to tell with the size as is. It isn't until I get the picture on the computer that i see just how out of focus it is. Its hard to see when in the tiny view finder on my camera or in the small image size above, but its very obvious when enlarged.

Sometimes i find life like that. I know its a cheesy correlation, but stay with me. I have been struggling lately with being able to see things as they are. Whether its work, church, family, friends, home, I have been finding myself just slightly out of focus. A word is said completely innocently, and i find a meaning just left of center then its intention. Someone does something, and i create a reality that is just slightly away from the intended goal. Now i am not saying that i blow things completely out of proportion. But i choose to see things slightly out of focus. So slight, that I could probably talk someone else into seeing what i see. The danger in that is.... its still not true. It might be slightly off, but its still off. Its not until i step back and see the bigger picture or the view is enlarged to 10x its current size that i see just how out of focus i have gotten.

Day 8: Things my day are controlled by

Image:: Phones, water and Coffee
Date:: Jan 25, 2011
F: 1.4
SS:: 200
FL:: 50
Shot with:: Canan EOS Rebel XT DSLR

Coffee: We have a new fancy coffee machine at work. Its one of the K-Cups. Because i am the office manager, I order all sorts of different flavors. I went from drinking 1 cup a day to drinking 3-5 cups. I am slightly addicted

Water: I have been trying to drink more water for years now and had gotten better at it but with the new coffee machine its been a struggle. Between the coffee and the water i consume in a day, i have to take a bathroom break almost once an hour ...

Phones: Yes i have two phones. One is the work phone and one is my personal phone. Both "smart" phones and i use both equally. My work phone is an iphone, which lets face it, is the superior phone. Sorry Blackberry, but it is. I can do so many more things and faster using the iphone. But my friends and family all have BB which means i now have two phones stapled to me at all times. So i have no excuse for you not to get a hold of me. Yay :S

Day 7

Image: Inside M100 Bus door
Date: January 22, 2011
F 1.4
SS 40
FL 50
Shot with: Canon EOS Rebel XT DSLR



I started this project for two reasons, 1) to force myself to shoot more, even if it wasn't all that organized and 2) to write more, again, even if it wasn't all that organized. The project has proven a little harder then i had ever anticipated. I find myself shooting random objects just to get my shots in and i don't write much because i have a hard time correlating the topic to the picture... But i realized today that I have to have things in order. They also need to make logical sense. Art is often neither of those things, so why do i try and make them that way. With Blogging, i always, subconsciously, thought that i had to have something insightful to say if was going to make a post... but that's not true. I know MANY people who write about their day. Some people write devotionally, and some people write artistically. My goal is to do all of those things as i see fit and as the spirit moves. Like today, this blog is just as much for me as it would have even been for other people. Writing has always been a way for me to organize the swirling thoughts in my brain. I always wrote so that i could finally make sense of what was going on up there which is why it has always been hard to show people my writing. It meant showing them my thoughts. It meant, in a sense, exposing myself to people. That was the purpose of starting this project, to take steps to allowing other people to read what i write. If i want to pursue writing as an occupation, i need to start exposing that writing to the masses. If it means being raw then i need to do that. I need to learn to let go of my fears and take a step or two of faith.

Day 6

Image: Fan
Date: Jan 20, 2011
F 1.4
SS 60
FL 50
Shot with: Canon EOS Rebel XT DSLR

Day 5

Photo: Union Square Park
Jan 17 2011
F2
1/1600
FL 50

Day 4: Nearsighted

In life, we often get frustrated when we can't see the big picture. We demand meaning behind every little thing that happens to us or those close to us. When we can't see the deeper meaning we throw up our hands in dissatisfaction cursing the world or the God we serve.

I have found myself in that situation more times then not in the last couple of years. I have watched people suffer in ways that i feel is cruel and unusual punishment. Either with life threatening illness or debilitating mental illnesses. I don't see the purpose in it and feel that for the ones suffering with it, pointless and just cruel. I've found myself praying over and over for these people. And when i pray, i pray with faith that they will be healed. My only problem is i expect them to be healed on the spot. Outwardly healed that is. I get frustrated and disheartened when its not instantaneous. I forget that healing can often take time, patience, surrender and often affect more then the person suffering. The process that the healing takes is just as much of a meaningful experience then the healing itself. I get frustrated because they are continuing to suffer but i fail to see that their is grace in the process too. God can use the process just as much if not more then the healing itself. It may be in the grace and peace of the person being healed and how they wait. It may be in the struggle and pain that others find the depth of God's Love. Who knows where people find their healing when in the midst of pain and struggle, but the process of being healed is just as much a growth process as the act of being healed.

A friend told me the other day, that we should celebrate in the smallest of victories. We think that once we step foot into the situation, things should change instantly, but we fail to celebrate the small victories along the way. We aren't the one who brings about change and healing, God is. We should trust the process and allow for testimony to emerge from the small steps we take in our redemption and in our healing.


Photo: 163rd Subway platform
F2
1/60
FL:50

Day 3 - Community

Community has become everything to me over the last year. Its helped me open up. Its helped me dig a little deeper and its kept me from hiding from my pain and fear. I started attending a church almost 2 years ago, mostly as a retreat. Because so many of my friends attended there, i soon made the complete move. Our church has whats called Missional Communities which means we serve and live life together by our geographical location in the city. Some choose to serve by interest but most are geographically situated. I am lucky to have my best friend in my group as well as a couple i have served with for almost 5 years. Through this group i have met some of the most amazing people and couples i have ever met. They take community and serving seriously. Its not empty words. If you are in the hospital, they do your laundry. If your family is crazy, they carry the weight. If you have lost your job and am not sure what to do next, they encourage and lift you up both physically and in spiritually.

Community is such a key to spiritual growth. You can't do life alone and you especially can't do the faith walk alone. God intends us to live in community together. This is what the church was intended to be. Living life, carrying burdens, rejoicing together in triumphs. Modeling this idea of church is what the world is missing out on. Its redefining and revolutionary.

Picture: EJ, Farewell to Abby
F 2
Exp 1/60
FL 50
Jan 15, 2011

Day 2

I always find it intriguing when you have an empty subway car. In a city of 8 million, on a system that is often so crowded it can get inappropriate, its interesting when its empty. To some its refreshing. To others its hauntingly lonely.


Image: C Train at night
F 1.4
Exp. 1/125
Focal Length 50mm
Jan. 14, 2011

365 Days of Pictures

Picture: Lamp post outside of the NYC public Library
F 1.4
Exp. 1/180
FL 50
Shot with 50mm fixed lens

2010 was supposed to be the year of photography and writing for me. It was in many respects but 2011 is going to be the year that it means something. A friend of mine had decided to take a picture every day in 2011 and blog about it. I thought that was a perfect way of getting me to 1) take pictures 2) to write more. So in an effort to get my feet wet in both writing and photography, i am going to take and post 1 picture a day for the next 365 days.

I actually started taking pictures about 1 week ago, but have not posted them. So i am going to get a little caught up over the next few posts. Every day won't be a full post and every picture won't have a story behind it. It is truly an organic way of forcing me to shoot more and to see life, objects, writing and photography in a more critical manor and to get myself out there. Art is really personal to me, so this is a scary moment for me. My writing is even more so. Enjoy!