Dreams

We all have unrequited dreams, right?  The ones we long for so silently and quietly but are so afraid of pursuing them.  If its not fear that keeps us from what we truly desire, then its outside forces that we have no control over.  Two very different roadblocks but both can paralyze us as we continue to dream and hope for a future.  I have had several dreams in my short 33 years.  One has been a constant but as far as I can tell is out of my control.  The other is a dream that is stopped really only by fear.  Its funny how both of these dreams, though halted by different reasons, have taught me the most in my life.  Control and fear go hand in hand I think. Both can take over your life.  

Both control, the need for control, and the idea of fear really boil down to lack of trust in either yourself or the powers that be.  Since I was a little girl, being married and having kids has been my dream like most young girls and grown women alike.  Growing up, a family is what defined a woman in my eyes.  You are kind of conditioned, as a young girl, that companionship through marriage and children is the way life should go.  Although times have changed, that expectation is still a very real one among women.  Don’t worry, this isn’t a rant on the expectations of our culture put upon women.  Its more personal then that.

As a single girl in my thirties, I had to finally grab hold of the idea that identity isn’t found in having a husband by your side.  Its got to be much deeper then that if you ever want to survive this life.  For me, my identity must be rooted in Christ in order to really truly grasp the meaning of life.  Although realizing that identity isn’t found in a man, I still had to reconcile with myself the still ever present desire to be a wife and mother.  There was that still small voice that still longed for that.  That voice can be deafening at times.  I realized that it wasn’t society’s expectation that led me to want a family. It was simply a dream I had and still have and a dream I am beginning to realize is something I am created for.  Although society inadvertently tells you, dating and marriage is the norm, without it you have somehow failed, I have also found that in my generation, women are speaking out against such images to such an extreme women often feel guilty about wanting marriage as a part of their destiny on earth.  Although I wanted it, I started to hide the desires so well that I think people thought I preferred to be single.  Not true at all.  I got to a place where I thought maybe God didn’t create me for that life here on earth.

It wasn’t till recently that I realized how much I think He did create me for that.  It just happens to not be the timing now.  That’s a little scary to hold on to.  Its is scary opening yourself up to the possibility of this dream coming true, but I have to look at who he’s created me to be and how he’s created me personally. I need to stop doubting that He can’t or won’t deliver on his promises.  No he never promised any of us marriage but he promises the desires of my heart so I have to hold on to that promise knowing that he will either change my heart or my situation.  I am simply learning to Delight myself in the LORD.  Hoping the rest will fall into place.

Why "Singled Out/Single Doubt"

When I was 16 years old I thought, like most teenagers, that I would be married by 22, kids by 26 and happily ever after. When 22 happened and passed as did the three year relationship I was in, I still thought I had time. Now I am 33 1/2 and husband and kids seems like a light that is about to go out, I am finding myself doubting the one constant dream I have had for my life. But still in what feels like the death of a dream, I am finding hope in my relationships, in my community and in my professional life.

As single people, you find yourself being singled out, whether by expectations of others or expectations of yourself. Your married friends try and reassure you that there is someone out there for you. “In God’s Timing” they say or “You’re still young, you have plenty of time” but its hard to hold onto those statements when moment after moment, relationship after relationship, you find yourself without. Just when you begin to feel comfortable with who you are and where you are, someone decides to question the path you are on. You get statements like “Is there someone special in your life? Or What are you doing to get yourself out there?” Its statements like that that begin to creep into your psyche and make you doubt the path you are on and the God who is guiding you. People don’t realize how those little statements can cut to the core. Its like telling a young girl, “I wouldn’t eat that donut.” Its subtle statements like those that make you question just who you are.

As a Christian female, we are already singled out because of our faith. Especially in New York City. Being a believer makes you somehow weak or limited in the eyes of so many. Being a strong confident woman can begin to feel like a chore, add onto that the expectation to date and have a family. Its somewhat safe in NYC to be single at 33 because its the norm, or rather more of the norm then where I am from. But being single amongst Christians, that’s a little more difficult. Add onto the fact that your sphere of influence doesn’t just mean NYC, its the people in the other corners of the world. But those expectations are nothing compared to the ones I have on myself. I am past the point of thinking that having a partner or family is what makes me, me... but there is still a longing in my soul to share a life with someone, to love some so completely and to bring lives into the world, that are just your own. There is a longing to be loved by someone, to be cherished by someone. That doesn’t make me who I am, but what I desire.

I think in some sense I avoided being defined by being single but now I am realizings its a very real part of who I am and what makes me, Me. I am on a path of finding out who I am not as a single person wanting a family but as a person wanting a life.

This blog is a reflection of who I am day to day, what I am looking for, and the God who tries to make sense of it all. There will be moments of pure honesty. There will be moments of learning. There will be moments of humor. Its really just about the moments we have day to day, moment by moment. Living in them, loving them and learning from them.