I'm a Runner

I like to call myself a new runner… even though I have been running for a year and a half. But pace wise I am still a baby. I love to run. I love everything about it. The rush you get as you reach a milestone, the air on your face, the release of endorphins, and even the pain of pushing yourself beyond limits. My only problem is my body doesn’t love running quite as much. Every time I get to a certain level something on me breaks. Bad feet and a bad back keep me from keeping a good rhythm. Often times my schedule can also keep me from keeping the routine going. Work, weather, life, keeps me from making it a regular part of my week.

Its funny though, when you love something so much, you are willing to make sacrifices. I will run on a bad foot now. I will run knowing an hour after my run I will be in serious back pain. I am willing to fork over the little money I have in order to lessen the chances of being hurt. I will buy the expensive inserts. I will pay more to get the right shoes. I have more ice packs then any one person should have. I will contemplate missing appointments so I can work in a run. When someone asks me to hang out I will consider if I am willing to sacrifice the run. That’s how much I love it.

Its also funny that though I love the run that much, when I haven’t run in a while, I will desire it, crave it, need it but avoid the dickens out of it. Knowing that I will have to basically start at 0, that it will hurt, and it will be more effort then release makes it hard for me to get out there. I want to start where I left off before but the human body and its muscular system don’t work that way. Your muscle memory is fairly short term so if you don’t keep them warmed up they forget the effort they put in and go back to their stationary ways.

My growth in the Lord is much like my running. I love the thrill that learning about Jesus brings me. I love learning how much he loves me and I love learning about his nature. But things in us break all the time. We have things that cause us to get distracted, that slow us down. Fear, selfishness… SIN. We could be running along and something either suddenly or over time keeps us from really moving forward with the Lord.

When we stop running towards the Lord, do we do as much to catch back up? Do we put forth the effort that we would for a good run? Sometimes, maybe, but not always. When my spiritual muscles get tired or slow down, I find it exhausting trying to regain the ground that I am losing. Instead I make excuses and stay in the still cycle I am in.

But just like running, when we take the first step, when we begin running again, it doesn’t take long for our muscles to wake back up, the high to surge and the heart to race. We simply must take the first step to get the shoes on, and walk out the door. Once we begin the run, we’ll forget what the apprehension was all about.

Psalm 63:1-4
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:7-9
7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

Hebrews 12:2-3
2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

A Dark Night - 12/30/09

I've found myself recently in one of the darkest places I have ever been. I no longer trusted a single thought in my head. I doubted God, my family, my friends and myself. All of these thoughts and feelings were whirling around in my head, none of them making a lick of sense. In that, I also found myself getting physically sick. I couldn't keep food down, I had no appetite and no energy. I felt anxious all of the time and knew of nothing that was pulling me out of the darkness. I tried praying. I prayed more then I ever had. I found it a comfort, but as soon as I was away from the quiet of being alone with God, I found my soul screaming. The more I wasn't eating the worse I began to feel mentally. It was pretty ugly.

You hear about people fasting on purpose to get alone with God and search his heart. I was being forced to fast and that drove me straight into the Fathers’ arms. It took a while to become still and even when I was, anxiety was knocking on my door. I started to feel overwhelmed by the anxiety instead of the things that led to the anxiety. I doubted that even the Lord could heal my soul. On return from a trip home, a dear friend gave me a bunch of little note cards with encouraging songs and scriptures on them. I started reading through them and eventually began praying through them and then praised through them. For the first time I understood what it means to praise the Lord even through pain. Those cards, and intentional time with Lord helped me to begin to crawl out of the hole I had fallen into. Depression is a dark evil place and leads people to do, say and think tragic things about themselves, about others and about God. But hopefully in those dark times we find a Father. One that is bigger than the dark. Bigger than the fear. Bigger than loneliness.

Romans 8:37-39 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Psalm 27:13-14 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD

Runaway Train

You know how sometimes life seems like a runaway train? Nothing you planned is going the way you had hoped. Your job just changed; your relationships took on a new, uncomfortable face; your family becomes destructible when you had thought that nothing could get to them. Even those that are solid in their faith can be rocked pretty intensely and completely out of the blue. Sometimes they aren’t big things. They are little things that over time become one giant wall of mess. You get to the point that you aren’t sure what it is that bothers you. You are just bothered. I’ve been there recently. The little irritants that life can throw at you had gotten the best of me. Before then I thought I had it all together. I thought I was ok. Whatever that means. I was the one solving everyone else’s problems but now I was facing my own. The biggest of the problems became fear, insecurity, loneliness and lies. All of those things became all I could see or understand. Truth was no longer my friend. If it was, it was being really quiet amongst the noise of the chaos.

In that I reached out to friends. I reached out to God. All voices seemed empty compared to the louder ones haunting me. Putting on a show was exhausting. Not allowing people to see the crazy that I was feeling was becoming a full time job. I was drowning. Sometimes it literally felt like I was drowning. No water was around me but I couldn’t breathe. I second guessed relationships, God, myself. I had no sense of up or down. Caught up in the swirl, I was losing the battle. Or so I thought. Friends were sending me verses in the hopes that I had some rope to grab onto. They seemed as temporary fixes. After the relief came more panic. I was desperate and afraid.

In the moments of desperation I clung to the Lord and his promises. I didn’t feel them but I knew they existed. I knew He loved me. I knew there had to be something on the other side of this pain. I had to believe in that. Without that hope I truly had nothing. So even though the hope was but a glimmer, I held onto it.

I found that in the moments of true desperation, if I got time alone, God was there to give me words of truth and hope. Ones of Love beyond what I could ever imagine. “My daughter I love you beyond this pain. I am right here in it with you.” and “these doubts, this chaos, these fears are not from me. I am not casting them on you. That’s not who I am. But rest assured, I will triumph through them. I will walk you through. Even when you don’t feel me, I am there. Right there, closer then a whisper.”

I still struggle, and some days seem too heavy to carry. I have days when I can’t wait for them to end so I can feel better. I still have days when His voice is too quiet to hear. But I cling to his mercy, his hope and his grace. In those days I cling to the knowledge that at the end of this dark dark road, I will find him with his hands in the air championing my cause. I know he won’t let me go.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. Proverbs 3:5-7

How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Selah Blessed are those whose strength is in you. Psalm 84