Runaway Train

You know how sometimes life seems like a runaway train? Nothing you planned is going the way you had hoped. Your job just changed; your relationships took on a new, uncomfortable face; your family becomes destructible when you had thought that nothing could get to them. Even those that are solid in their faith can be rocked pretty intensely and completely out of the blue. Sometimes they aren’t big things. They are little things that over time become one giant wall of mess. You get to the point that you aren’t sure what it is that bothers you. You are just bothered. I’ve been there recently. The little irritants that life can throw at you had gotten the best of me. Before then I thought I had it all together. I thought I was ok. Whatever that means. I was the one solving everyone else’s problems but now I was facing my own. The biggest of the problems became fear, insecurity, loneliness and lies. All of those things became all I could see or understand. Truth was no longer my friend. If it was, it was being really quiet amongst the noise of the chaos.

In that I reached out to friends. I reached out to God. All voices seemed empty compared to the louder ones haunting me. Putting on a show was exhausting. Not allowing people to see the crazy that I was feeling was becoming a full time job. I was drowning. Sometimes it literally felt like I was drowning. No water was around me but I couldn’t breathe. I second guessed relationships, God, myself. I had no sense of up or down. Caught up in the swirl, I was losing the battle. Or so I thought. Friends were sending me verses in the hopes that I had some rope to grab onto. They seemed as temporary fixes. After the relief came more panic. I was desperate and afraid.

In the moments of desperation I clung to the Lord and his promises. I didn’t feel them but I knew they existed. I knew He loved me. I knew there had to be something on the other side of this pain. I had to believe in that. Without that hope I truly had nothing. So even though the hope was but a glimmer, I held onto it.

I found that in the moments of true desperation, if I got time alone, God was there to give me words of truth and hope. Ones of Love beyond what I could ever imagine. “My daughter I love you beyond this pain. I am right here in it with you.” and “these doubts, this chaos, these fears are not from me. I am not casting them on you. That’s not who I am. But rest assured, I will triumph through them. I will walk you through. Even when you don’t feel me, I am there. Right there, closer then a whisper.”

I still struggle, and some days seem too heavy to carry. I have days when I can’t wait for them to end so I can feel better. I still have days when His voice is too quiet to hear. But I cling to his mercy, his hope and his grace. In those days I cling to the knowledge that at the end of this dark dark road, I will find him with his hands in the air championing my cause. I know he won’t let me go.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. Proverbs 3:5-7

How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Selah Blessed are those whose strength is in you. Psalm 84