I'm Moving

I've decided to update my blog which means i have to move to a different page. I will still be on blogger just in their newer format. All of my posts starting mid feb are on there. Anything earlier can be found here.

You can visit me here

Day 23: Satisfaction

When i first was thinking about leaving my 9 to 5 admin job, I really was concerned with what i would do with my time. I know me and i do MUCH better with structure. To give me open ended days with no outside structure was super intimidating. On top of that, i had to be self motivating. That isn't always my strong suit either. If given the opportunity, I'd let people come to me every time. I also wasn't 100% confident that photography was what i wanted to do. I felt my skills were extremely limited and in NYC, I knew i was well below the competition. I wasn't sure i had it in me to be the person i would need to be to earn an income.

I guess knowing this about me, I started out with making plans and goals for myself. I also gave myself permission to ease into this. I spent my first few weeks doing more baby sitting then shooting but that in itself motivated me more. It created a little more structure for myself. It also allowed me to get to know a few people more then i would have otherwise.

This last week, I got the opportunity to take maternity shots for one of my close friends which also allowed me to learn photoshop on a much deeper level. I have had so much fun editing photos. I find myself getting lost in one photo. The attention to detail that you need to have to do it is amazing and a tad overwhelming but i am learning lots of patience because of it. I am learning to slow and down and focus.

Because of my new lifestyle and career goals, it is opening me up to do more for myself and especially for other people. I can help friends move, watch friends' children, volunteer at local bookstores, make my roommate dinner (early), bake bread, write blog posts, research for a novel, run without hindrances, wear PJs all day, not wear make up for 3 days, and so much more. Now many of these don't pay the bills but they go beyond that. To hear the gratitude in peoples voices, to see faces light up, the pounds drop off, to grow closer to the Lord, that's all the payment in the world.

The last three weeks have done wonders for my heart and for my confidence. I feel more settled and ready for whatever God has in store for me. I feel far less anxious about what i am doing, who i am and where i am going. There is a point when you take such big steps of faith that you have to resign yourself to God's plan. You can't look back or waver. If you allow doubt to get in, its debilitating and soul sucking. I knew that doubt could be my ruler so i prepared my first few steps to be centered on spending time with the Lord and really securing my hope in him and not in success. Those were key in getting me through these first few weeks.

I don't know where this road is going to take me. I am not sure what i will be doing in 2 months. But i know that for right now, i am basking the grace of God, watching him transform my life and the people around me. I get the privilege of seeing people's needs get met and know that on some level I might have helped.

Day 21: Educating me!

I had every intention of writing more often but the discipline hasn't quite caught up to me yet. That's not to say i haven't been busy. I have been. Just with other things. I think, for me, I always felt like if i didn't have something profound to say then I just didn't say it. So i haven't but I also haven't oiled the joints much so even finding the motivation to write has been a little tough.

Over the last two weeks, i have spent most of my time watching two adorable little boys, setting up my website (www.kimmcilrathphotography.com) or shooting and editing pictures. I've learned a lot in the last 2 weeks. I've learned that working from home isn't as torturous as i thought, except when its 100 degrees outside. I've also learned that I can actually set up and shoot for inside jobs as well as edit my own work with photoshop. Thanks to the Internet and google, I have spent a lot of time researching and exploring. I've learned I really do like being artistic. I truly enjoy my time and find myself at the end of the day wondering where my time went (in a good way). I am actually 100 times more productive. I am also learning that I actually like myself. I am not as insecure about being alone with myself and really creating. Now that doesn't mean I think I am amazing at my craft... yet, but I think I actually may have an iota of talent.... God has been super faithful to me in the time I have had the last few weeks to really see what's important and to really reach for my dreams.

I spent this weekend shooting some friends of mine who are 9 months pregnant with a little boy. I had such a great time shooting them. Their support and love for me has been one of the key components to me taking this giant step. This was my first time shooting maternity and I really did love it! I have also loved learning how to retouch photos. Its such a cool and creative process and depending on the clients openness, you can do so much. I have felt almost guilty this week enjoying myself so much!

The reality that I need probably 10 more of these clients a month to really make a living has been a little daunting but i am trying to enjoy my time for now and pray that it all works out in the end.

Day 4: Focus Focus Focus

I have always been the type of person who is either over committed or unmotivated. Never in between. When I decided to leave my 9 to 5 job to pursue my artistic passions I was worried that I would go from totally over committed and over worked to completely unfocused. It’s been somewhat true. Focus and motivation have been a struggle to say the least. I had a few things I needed to get figured out before I could make progress on anything. I needed to get organized mentally and physically. I also needed to set up the practical items in order to start my business. Things like my website, photo packages, and other projects. This process can't happen over night and somehow I overlooked that fact.

I am learning that I am a little impatient. I want to be able to sit down and figure things out in 1 hour or less. Taking hours, days or weeks to put something together was not in my plan. But realistically it has to be, doesn't it? I can't set up a business over night. It takes time and focus. My only problem with time is that it doesn't put food on the table or pay the rent.

I am also learning that I am a results driven person. I feel like I haven't done anything when I can't see fruits of my labor. Research doesn't bring results right away. It takes time. I spent the entire day researching ways to set up my website. I am a little more educated, but I am not much further along then when I started the day. I think somewhere in the back of my head I thought that I would almost have the website set up. Not realistic is it? Now when I look back on my day, I tend to think it was a waste. Letting myself off the hook is something I will have to do. I can't create a business in a day. And likely it can't be done in a week.

Doubts have been creeping in over the last few days. What did I do? Why did I do it? Was it premature? Are you sure you want to spend your days doing this, pursuing this? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? I spent some time with the Lord this morning. In that time I remembered one thing I needed to get out of this time of discovery. I wanted to draw closer to Him. I wanted to pursue his heart. Even if it meant I was poor and unfed. I think that is more my goal than anything else. I don't know what all of this is going to look like in the long run. Will I be a photographer? Will I be a writer? Will I go back to the admin world? Will I be a creator? I don't know! And in some ways, I am not all that worried about what things will look like as long as I am drawing on the strength of the Lord to order my steps. As long as I am falling more and more in love with Him as my father, my creator, my Lord, I don't care what tomorrow looks like. Being content in how he has created me is more important than having any other label. Resting in that knowledge is the only thing that will get me through another day. If I put my faith in my abilities and in my expectations for my career then I will never get very far.

Day 1: I think God's trying to tell me something

Today is Day 1 of my new adventure. Two months ago when I finally decided to take the plunge, I came to the decision through lots of prayer and encouragement from friends and my church family. When I finally let go of the fear, it seemed to be an easy decision in many respects but I haven't lacked days of doubt. Some days the fear and doubt were overwhelming. I never doubted the decision to leave but i definitely doubted my abilities to finally pursue my dreams.

Throughout the last few weeks, I have been encouraged by peoples comments and their amazement at the step of faith I had taken. On a good day, I took it for what it was worth and smiled at the testimony i might be to others. On a bad day, I cowered behind my insecurities afraid to take a step. The last 2 days have been more downs then up as the reality set in. I was really doing this. I couldn't turn back. The pressure to succeed and to succeed quickly was weighing down.

Last night a few of my girl friends came over to celebrate this HUGE step of faith. Their excitement was a beautiful thing to see but deep down, I was shaking with fear. "What will you do tomorrow?" "Are you super excited?" were some of the constant questions I got throughout the day. But I found myself unprepared, unsettled.

BUT Day 1 came and to my surprise it wasn't heavy. It wasn't full of expectations. It wasn't scary. It was just another day. God was so faithful today to remind me of where he has lead me. I would never have made this decision if He hadn't been in the center. I could never have taken a step if i wasn't positive he was the one guiding me. So this morning, being faithful to the desire to make this new adventure just as much about my relationship with Him as it was about my dreams, I took the time to focus on Him first.

I have been using an online devotional to guide my time with God lately and most days are pretty on target with where i am but today was even more so. The title being, "Should I Quit?". My first thought was "Seriously?" but that this wasn't going to be what it seemed and would be a totally different direction then i was going. I was wrong. The devotional was completely geared around taking those God prompted steps, even if they are scary and HUGE.

"What if David had assessed whether or not to face Goliath based on the shadow of his opponent rather than the shadow of the Almighty? (1 Samuel 17)" Stories like this and verses like Matthew 11:28: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." were all reminders that God had called me here and although i don't have it all figured out, i am pursuing HIS heart and HIS direction. I simply need to trust in his voice. Seeking reassurance over resting in God's promises and love was what i had been pursuing. Reassurance will come in those times if first i am seeking His heart. God isn't a God of "one chance only"s He's a God of redemption, a God of Love. He wants the best possible life for me even if it means stretching, growing, mistakes and failure.

After reading the devotional, i decided to listen to some music to keep me from turning on the TV and the first song held these lyrics. "Seconds, hours, so many days, You know what you want but how long can you wait?....And what if my chances were already gone? Started believing that I could be wrong. But you give me one good reason.To fight and never walk away. With every step you climb another mountain. Every breath it's harder to believe. You make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes. To get to that one thing. Just when you think the road is going nowhere. Just when you almost gave up on your dreams. They take you by the hand and show you that you can. There are no boundaries!"

Today is a day of New Beginnings. Tomorrow may bring some fear and even some failures but today I am choosing to focus on the call Jesus made on my life. My knees may get scraped and little bruised but those wounds will heal as I am following the true healer, the true Leader.