Upside Down

You come at me upside down
We're twisted, angry, unrecognizable.
I try to shake free of this wicked world.
Desperate for hope, change
But you come at me upside down.

Weary from these dessert travels
40 days, 40 years, 40 lifetimes of wondering
North Star, any star, looking to set my pathways straight
Wondering what could i have been
Still you are upside down

Redemption seems foreign
A life left to roam
Mountains unable to climb
Afraid i'll never make it back home
i wonder just who is upside down

Peace, comfort, hope
No longer sure of what they mean
Looking at you
I guess life's not always what it seems
When will i not feel upside down

I've fought you for so long.
Trying now to make up for lost time.
But you say come as you are
I no longer have a desire to hide
So I come to you upside down





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I know its not a picture, and its not how i normally write (in public) but i found myself being bound to a certain expectation i had made for myself and i don't want to stick with that expectation anymore. As stated in many earlier posts, i am truly afriad of baring myself through my writing, but i am starting to see that though the beauty is in the eye of the beholder, i also need to trust in the voice i might have whether someone likes it or dislikes it.

Day 12

photo: Snow in Central Park
Date: Jan 29, 2011
F 6.3
SS: 1250
FL 41
Shot with Canon EOS Rebel XT DSLR




I haven't been really good with shooting lately. I have, on some days, more to write about then i do images. I've had a lot to write about lately but haven't had the pictures to back them up.

Day 11: The Day After

Photo: Bryant Park, the morning after
Date: Jan 27, 2011
F: 8
SS: 1250
FL: 18
Shot with: Canon EOS DSLR Rebel XT

Day 10: Before the Storm

Photo: The night before our 19inch snow
Date: Jan 27, 2011
F: 1.4
SS: 160
FL: 50
Shot with: Canon EOS DSLR Rebel XT

Day 9: Focus Issues

Photo: Bryant Park Fountain
Date: January 26, 2011
F 4
SS 8
FL 25mm
Shot with: Canon Rebel XL DSLR

I have a little bit of a focus issue with my new lense. Its a 50mm fixed lens which is a little bit of a zoom lens. Most of our standard lenses are 18-35mm minimum lens. Its also a F1.4-F22 aperture range so i can get some great Depth of field shots in the right light. Most DSLR cameras have a setting on the camera for those of us who wear classes to adjust the vision in the view finder. It can be difficult shooting with your glasses on so there is dial that allows you to set your viewing to your eye.

With a 1.4/50mm lens, your area of focus is very small... So if you were up close on an object, like the coffee & phones image on Day 8, the camera would pick one small area to focus on, maybe a centimeter to an inch of the entire field of view. It often takes a while to get the focus where you want it. When you add bad vision to the mix, your focus with the camera can take a little work. What looks in focus to you, might not be in focus to the rest of the world, especially to your camera. The above picture wasn't shot with my 50mm lens but the same problem arose. What i thought i was focused on, wasn't. I was attempting to focus on the fountain but my focus is actually on the background which makes my desired object just slightly out of focus. You actually might not even be able to tell with the size as is. It isn't until I get the picture on the computer that i see just how out of focus it is. Its hard to see when in the tiny view finder on my camera or in the small image size above, but its very obvious when enlarged.

Sometimes i find life like that. I know its a cheesy correlation, but stay with me. I have been struggling lately with being able to see things as they are. Whether its work, church, family, friends, home, I have been finding myself just slightly out of focus. A word is said completely innocently, and i find a meaning just left of center then its intention. Someone does something, and i create a reality that is just slightly away from the intended goal. Now i am not saying that i blow things completely out of proportion. But i choose to see things slightly out of focus. So slight, that I could probably talk someone else into seeing what i see. The danger in that is.... its still not true. It might be slightly off, but its still off. Its not until i step back and see the bigger picture or the view is enlarged to 10x its current size that i see just how out of focus i have gotten.

Day 8: Things my day are controlled by

Image:: Phones, water and Coffee
Date:: Jan 25, 2011
F: 1.4
SS:: 200
FL:: 50
Shot with:: Canan EOS Rebel XT DSLR

Coffee: We have a new fancy coffee machine at work. Its one of the K-Cups. Because i am the office manager, I order all sorts of different flavors. I went from drinking 1 cup a day to drinking 3-5 cups. I am slightly addicted

Water: I have been trying to drink more water for years now and had gotten better at it but with the new coffee machine its been a struggle. Between the coffee and the water i consume in a day, i have to take a bathroom break almost once an hour ...

Phones: Yes i have two phones. One is the work phone and one is my personal phone. Both "smart" phones and i use both equally. My work phone is an iphone, which lets face it, is the superior phone. Sorry Blackberry, but it is. I can do so many more things and faster using the iphone. But my friends and family all have BB which means i now have two phones stapled to me at all times. So i have no excuse for you not to get a hold of me. Yay :S

Day 7

Image: Inside M100 Bus door
Date: January 22, 2011
F 1.4
SS 40
FL 50
Shot with: Canon EOS Rebel XT DSLR



I started this project for two reasons, 1) to force myself to shoot more, even if it wasn't all that organized and 2) to write more, again, even if it wasn't all that organized. The project has proven a little harder then i had ever anticipated. I find myself shooting random objects just to get my shots in and i don't write much because i have a hard time correlating the topic to the picture... But i realized today that I have to have things in order. They also need to make logical sense. Art is often neither of those things, so why do i try and make them that way. With Blogging, i always, subconsciously, thought that i had to have something insightful to say if was going to make a post... but that's not true. I know MANY people who write about their day. Some people write devotionally, and some people write artistically. My goal is to do all of those things as i see fit and as the spirit moves. Like today, this blog is just as much for me as it would have even been for other people. Writing has always been a way for me to organize the swirling thoughts in my brain. I always wrote so that i could finally make sense of what was going on up there which is why it has always been hard to show people my writing. It meant showing them my thoughts. It meant, in a sense, exposing myself to people. That was the purpose of starting this project, to take steps to allowing other people to read what i write. If i want to pursue writing as an occupation, i need to start exposing that writing to the masses. If it means being raw then i need to do that. I need to learn to let go of my fears and take a step or two of faith.